Leaders – How You Speak is What You Get

This week I witnessed an employee tell his boss, in a way that was both elegant and respectful, ‘Mark, when you speak to me in that demeaning manner, you lose the productivity of a talented employee because my energy and focus go out the window. You hired me because of my talent, but you keep diminishing my worth and shutting me down.’

I would have applauded but I knew it would not have a positive effect. So I kept quiet waiting for his boss to respond. And he did. He said, in a tone of voice that was neither elegant nor respectful, ‘Joe, I hired you for your talent and I pay your salary, so I expect you to deliver results no matter how I speak to you!’

Later when I caught up with Joe he said, ‘You know Sandy, the boss has a point. He is entitled to expect me to deliver my best performance and cope effectively with his terrible leadership style. But I have to tell you it is really hard to give your best when you feel worthless. And it’s not only me. It’s the whole team. We are delivering mediocre results because we have lost our fighting spirit.’

I asked him, ‘How would you have liked your boss to respond to the feedback you gave him?’ Joe shot back with, ‘I would have liked him to say something like, ‘Joe, I can’t say I like what you are saying but here’s the deal – lets work on this together and see how we can make some changes that will benefit us both.’

I asked him, ‘How would you have liked your boss to respond to the feedback you gave him?’  Joe shot back with, ‘I would have liked him to say something like, ‘Joe, I can’t say I like what you are saying but here’s the deal – lets work on this together and see how we can make some changes that will benefit us both.’  

I know Joe’s boss well from our strategy and teambuilding sessions.  He has some excellent leadership strengths but he keeps shooting himself in the foot because the one thing he does not know is how to manage his ego.  He could be a great leader if only he knew how to put his ego into the passenger seat, show some humility and demonstrate a spirit of mutual trust and respect. 

Instead his shortsighted and unintelligent response reveals that, he does not get it, that the first response we have to something someone says to us is always an emotional one.  The intellectual response will follow. Research has clearly shown that we feel the feeling first, only then do we think the thoughts, all of which drive our actions.  Here’s how it works. Someone says something to us. We feel good or bad.  Our energy level immediately adjusts up or down, to match the feeling the words elicited in us.

 It is this feeling and the level of energy that accompanies it, that determines the quality of our performance.  When we feel good, we have positive energy and we easilyapply our intelligence, capabilities and talent in the best way we know how.  This makes language and how we use it an extremely powerful tool.

Actually this is not a complicated issue. There are just two kinds of leadership language –ego language and spirited language. Ego language switches others off because it is demeaning and patronizing and deflates and diminishes the self-esteem of others. Switched-off employees with low self-esteem cannot be productive. I think that most leaders who use ego language are not even aware of how self- righteous, hyper-critical and judgmental they sound. They don’t see the disconnect between asking employees for great performance and using a communication style that creates shame, guilt, despair, fear and confusion.

The reality is that our egos simply do not possess the kind of vocabulary that will fill others with a sense of value, greatness, pride and passion. So where would that kind of language come from?

This kind of language comes from the core of our beings. I refer to this as our authentic spirit. It is this part of us that possesses a language that is inclusive, respectful and collaborative. When leaders speak from their authentic self, they will automatically use the kind of vocabulary that produces focus, determination, courage and inspiration. Their language will be a fascinating combination of humility and chutzpah and they will come across to others as genuine, honest and trustworthy.

The way Joe’s boss chose to respond clearly reveals that this leader has lost his true spirit.

So Joe’s boss has a choice. He can continue to speak from his ego or he can think about what Joe said and use this as a gift and an opportunity to reflect and reconnect with the spirit of who he truly is. And of course his choice will directly determine the performance his team delivers.

When I got back to my office I searched my manuscripts for this particular quote which I think summarizes this incident so well:

‘I think about many of my corporate colleagues, most of whom during business school crunched at least a million numbers and analyzed a thousand balance sheets. But none of them had thirty seconds worth of counsel about the ABC's of building deep,trusting relationships, about expecting and expressing the truth of deeply felt human values and creative intuition - the combined intelligence of the heart and the head.’

(Cooper and Sawaf : Executive EQ: Emotional Intelligence in Business; 1998)

What are your thoughts abut this?